Weekly Inspiration

As I drive to work, or the kids to school, or the grocery store, or even if I just walk out my home or look out a window I am inspired by the area I live in. The clouds, the storms, the changing of the leaves, the seasons, the wildlife, and the mountains all play a part; always changing and always inspiring. 

I want to capture clouds. It seems they always know how to artistically decorate the sky; creating patterns one day and caous the next. Someone once told me that since moving to California, he missed Utah Clouds. "Utah has the best clouds." he stated. I followed his gaze to the sky and agreed.

To counter this, I asked another Utahan native, who has since moved to California, about her experience with the clouds of Cali. I got a scrunched up face and a quizzical expression. Realizing the survey was statistically irrelevant, I believed it anyways. Not because its true but, because its what I want to believe after his statement inspired me look to the sky and realize their value.

The clouds tend to congregate in little cottonwood canyon.

(one day I will get a better picture of this meeting of clouds)

photo taken (94th south looking east) on the way to work after a Halloween parade at Tanners school

Toasty Toes

We took the weekend to the sand dunes.

For the last camping trip

this year.

It was cold.

Casi and I laid on the picnic table.

soaking up what warmth the sun would give.

I said "Tanner, put your shoes and socks on"

(and also shirt and coat)

Too many times.

Today, I spend the weekday.

Home.

with a sick kid.

Letting go

I feel so perplexed by my own feelings. I want to write them down. To sort through them. I want to resolve these feelings. I think writing will help. But writing is so permanent. Do I want to remember? Do I want others to know about them?

I have been enjoying the season of fall in our yard. We have many more trees and the air is colder, crisper, and contains the heavy smell of rotting leaves. There are so, so, so many leaves. The other day Tanner raked a few hundred thousand of them up into a pile; just to jump in.

Symbolically, ironically, but mostly lamely, it seems appropriate that death would happened at such a time; as summer turns to fall.

A death in the family brings distant family members back into our lives. These aunts and cousins share with me their memories of Grandma. I am irritated at them. I feel they know my secret. I think they feel obligated to change my memories. To help me remember. Do my jaded memories distort theirs; warp their truth. I guess in some ways my memories are linked to theirs, but then again perhaps not. Perhaps, the physical distance of where they lived kept them from making new memories over the last few years. The last few years have been hard for those of us that remained close.

I spend most of a week, up late scanning images into a computer to show at the funeral. Images that represent different moments of my Grandma Verdie's* life. I put them into a video; each photo fades into the next. I invite my Mom over. Mom and I watch quietly as the photos pass by. My mothers mom, changes from toddler to adult, mother to grandmother.The series of photos is finished in 2 min and 37 secs; it repeats again. For some reason the duration of the movies time sticks in my head. It is strange that a whole life could go so quickly.

My Mom quietly asks, "How does this person become what she became?"

"I don't know" I respond quietly.

*I love my grandmas name; it means faith and truth. To me though, her name always made me

think of "nature" since it sounds like "birdie**" and reminds me of the color green (due to its similarity to "Verde").

** My grandmother loves birds. She was an avid bird watcher. ***

*** No, sadly, I did not develop my passions for birding from my Grandma. Our passions evolved independent of each other. I owe my passion to a professor at the University of Utah.

The last few years have been hard. In some ways we have grieved the loss of my grandmother for many years, as she slowly pulled herself away. For some reason she was unable to share herself. I wonder if I should have tried harder. Sometimes I blame myself for where our relationship ended.

I sat at the funeral and watched as others cry. I start to cry because I was not. I wanted to miss something too. I want to remember something that we did together. Remember the love I know she felt for me. Anything. A look. A sentence she stated. A moment of her and I. I dug deeper into my past. Looking for the memories. The memories my distant cousins remember; Christmas eves, pies, new potatoes and peas, gardening... I need to remember my Grandma, the Grandma who loved her grand babies, who loved me, so I can let her go...

Don't let bad jeans ruin a good day!

I sat at our computer, sulking over my coffee and reading anything, I found slightly interesting, on the internet. I was trying to find the energy to go to work. The room I sat in was dark and cold. For me, nothing existed outside the small halo of light produced by the computer screen and I planned to keep it that way. I was trying to hold time still.

Looking for something new to read. Something else to distract the obligations. The immediate checklist that enters my mind upon waking; work, kids, home. I remembered a website I used to visit almost daily. At one time. With the energy of indifference I typed in the address: www.utahbirds.org Clicked on the link for recent (and at times exciting) bird sightings with in the state of Utah, then slowly sifted through the headings:

October and Hummingbirds, Photo of the Rose-breasted Grosbeak in Dugway, Stilt Sandpiper, Yellow-bellied Flycatcher @ Garr Ranch, Rose-breasted Grosbeak at Dugway, Stilt Sandpipers Continue, Lee Kay Ponds, Four days of birding in Utah Co. (no uncommon birds), YELLOW-BELLIED FLYCATCHER, Washington Co. birds,Goldfinch.

Finally, I felt motivated. I jumped up from my seat, hurriedly put on shoes and shocks, and started grabbing gear. Scope. Check. Binoculars. Check. Camera. Check. Sibley. Check. Coat. Check. Scarf. Check. Gloves. Check. Hat. Check. I tossed item after item into a pile at the front door, then dragged the two armload's to the car before heading to work.

Tangent: The reason I was having a hard time getting to work is because I am getting fat.

Nested Tangent: O.k. I know I am not fat but, I am getting bigger ...in a good way?Curvier. Round-ier. Hippier. Breast-ier. All good, really because, I'm getting my body back (its been missing for 12 years- another story.) I will not miss "pre-pubescent boy" body. But (and its a big "BUT"!) my clothes no longer fit. Which means, I spend most of my days sucking "it" all in since my "fat" pants are a bit too tight; pushing my belly fat out over the rim of my pants into a great wall of blubber. This "great wall of blubber" circles, like a tire tube, around the middle ... of me. I hate this feeling. Its miserable.

OK where was I? Oh yea. I am getting fat. So last night when I went to Kohl's to buy Tanner clothes, I bought some too. I will admit it took me a while to get up the energy to do it. You see Kohl's has a history with my family. Their clothes suck. The quality is terrible. They shrink, come un-stitched, and they don't handle washing. So when I go to Kohl's (for Tanners clothes only- We love the Tony Hawk clothing line) I don't look at clothes for me. I don't want to be tempted. But, after spending 3 months sucking in the old fatty tire that hangs in the middle ... of me, I was tempted and wandered through my section. Touching. Looking. Searching for a new pair of pants. Something that will make me feel better about this new body.

I know, you still don't know where I am going with this. I will try to get to it but first I have to tell you about my personal history with jeans.

I have a testimony. A testimony of pants and the dollar. You see, for me, the quality of jeans is strongly correlated to the amount you pay (figure 1). I have seen this correlation. I am witness to it. I am a strong believer having spent the majority of my life in bad pants but, I am also a desperate woman without time to go find a great pair of pants... and I was at Kohl's. I was determined to end the discomfort of fatty me with the next size up and a new pair of jeans.

So there I was sitting in front of the computer with one of the two pair of jeans, that I bought, on my body. I could feel the scratchy material against my legs, the lack of support against my bottom; the material having too much lycra would not make it past hour 2. I hated the idea of leaving the house in these pants.

Don't mock me. I know you all have felt the power of great pants. Pants that feel so good you do not ever want to take them off. Pants that you look forward to wearing. Pants you hate to give up to the Laundry basket and only do the day before laundry day. I will stop now, before I start sounding like a Levi's commercial but understand I love a great pair of pants and that these new pants were not such pants. Having only paid 20% of what I paid for my last pair, I knew they would never fit into that category. I knew it at the check stand when I bought them and I knew it, sitting at that computer that morning as I tried to get motivated to leave the house because once I did I could not return the crappy jeans.

Finally founding a distraction, carried everything out to the car, and left for work. Work? Why work? This has to do with the rotation of the planets. Doesn't everything?

Essentially, it was too early and too cold to go birding. It was 6 in the morning on a chilly fall day which for a birder equates to, "I might as well go to work". So I went to work. Hoping to get in a few hours of paid time before I headed to Glover ponds (near Farmington Bay).

By 9:50 am I was, once again, headed out the door. I headed to the... gas station. I needed gas, food, and drink. But then, I was on my way. The sky was clear. It was a perfect day. I may have sang out of tune to the radio as I drove. I was very excited to be out (even in terrible jeans). As I neared the exit to Glover ponds however, the weather changes. The sky darkens and it begins to rain. In seconds there is torrential downpour and I can barley see as I take the exit off the freeway*.

* a very common occurrence as you near the Great Salt Lake.

Within a few minutes I am sitting across from Glover ponds trying to see through the rainy haze for a small, long legged bird. The window to my car is open and I watch as the rain hits the window sill, rebounds up, down, hits the window sill again before it streams down the door and into the car. I was getting wet and I was not seeing the bird I was looking for or even the yellow legs* that it was described as "hanging" with. I have an hour before I should go back to work and so I waited.

* The term Yellow legs refers to two species of birds with long yellow legs and a long thin dark bill. The body is grey brown on top and white underneath; the neck and breast are streaked with dark brown and the tail is white. Both breed in the Boreal forest; migrating through Utah in the spring and fall. Both also forage in shallow water using their bill to stir up insects, small fish and crustaceans.

They are also not each others closest relatives. The lesser yellow legs closets relative is the much larger and quite dissimilar Willet (Pereira & Baker, 2005) due to the patterns demonstrated during breeding. The Greater Yellow legs is related to the Greenshank and Spotted Redshank.

After about 30 minutes the rain stopped; the sun immediately parted the clouds, the sky turned blue, and I heard the sounds of yellow legs; in sync with the weather change. I opened my car door and stepped out to get my spotting scope. The reading I had done, as the rain fell, recited in my head. "Seems structurally similar to yellow legs but more curvaceously lined. Dowitcher shaped but not Dowitcher plump. The bill thicker than yellow legs and decidedly down dropped near the end. Vestigial barring on sides. Tends to forage in open water with Dowitchers; the Yellowlegs in deeper water. Moves deliberately, does not probe like a Dowitcher, or dunk its head like a Yellowlegs. " The easiest way to ID this bird from similar species is to use "GISS". A funny birding term that means "General impression of size and shape". Its coloring, speckling, striping, leg length, bill shape, ect would not be helpful."Yeah", I thought sarcastically as prepped the spotting scope, "a slam dunk".

I scanned the small pond and noted the large group of Dowitchers at the back of the pond and the smaller group of yellow legs at the shore closest to me. I then noted a long-legged sandpiper to the right of the Yellow legs; and in shallower water. I placed the scope on that bird. Immediately noted the vestigial stripping, the thicker bill, shape-lier outline, and droopy bill. I was looking a Stilt Sandpiper; my target bird. I spent the remaining 30 min studying the Stilts characteristics against the yellow legs and dowitchers. Before I left, I noted my new jeans, now wet and dirty from the rain and muddy roads, would stay in my closet. And, I still hated them.

A quick trip to the zoo: Zuri

The kids and I went to the zoo to see babies. Hogle zoo is full of them right now. I know it seems weird right? Are babies not a spring item? The popular ones are: 1 new elephant, 3 Amur tigers, 1 snow leopard (we missed this one but it's still worth mentioning), 1 giraffe, 1 Siamese crocodile, and a crap load of meerkats* .

* I think it is funny that they spell "cat" with a "k".

Mostly, we wanted to see Zuri; the new baby elephant.

Zuri is cute, and "fun'er" to watch than a batch of new born puppies! Here she is leaning against her mom. "Mom, are you still up there?"

Zuri occasionally feed (thanks mom!), played with a stick*, and would pick up poo. Tanner thought the last action was too funny!

* The "stick" is famous in Zuris world. Zuri found it the day before we arrived. See Zuris blog here about her stick.

Another fun thing to see is this video. If you don't go "Aww!" when you see it, you are a Nazi*.

* I know, its about as related as calling OBama a Nazi for socialized health care and I thought "why not join the mass of unrelated correlations". I must admit it was kinda fun!

A few pictures of the kids because people tell me they like to see them.

I will leave you with a picture of the Amur tigress and one of her cubs. I just love the duplicity, of body language and white spots on their ears.

What culturing cells taught me

Laughter of those who do not understand the term passing cells

the ability to open containers with one had ... for example:

put on eyeliner while blow drying your hair

Things I overheard: from myself

"Winder dairy day! Crap, I forgot to order", I said to myself.

As I opened the ice box located next to the back door, I wondered what was on my automatic weekly order. Oh good, soy milk and eggs. What a relief!

"Well, at least its something I need", I thought.