Saying goodbye

"We're each of us our own ... bit of illusion fighting to emerge into something solid, something real."A Great and Terrible Beauty; Libba Bray

I went climbing with Nate and the kids. The first of the season. The rock still had that cool winter chill. I was the first to climb; leading a 5.7. An easy first-of-the-year climb with holds every few feet the size of your palm and ledges to stand on. I laced my shoes. They felt good and I wondered why my feet hurt on the rock so much last year.  I placed my hands to the rock. Felt its crisp, sharp edges with my hands.

I start the climb and a sharp pain rips through my toes. I toe in anyways and gave it my weight. "Oh, there's the pain" I think. I continue to the next hold and the next. I clip my first bolt but, I start to hesitate between moves. I begin using my arms to hold me to the rock; not wanting to place my weight on my feet. I clip into the second bolt and continue on. I notice the long pauses I am taking to give reprieve to one foot and then another.

Pause.

My mind races to find ways to convince myself to continue past the hurt. I no longer evaluate the climb. The pauses became longer.

At the third bolt, Nate suggests I come down. I clip in and call down to him. The way down is sketchy, ungraceful, unbalanced. I did not want anything to touch my feet.

Back on the ground, I collapse on a bench and start removing my right shoe. My hands shake.  Nate down on his knees, starts working on the left shoe.

My naked feet, reveal what I fear; deep, dark-purple toe joints. "Dam RA has been doing too well." I look at my shoes now lying on the ground. Then refocus. With some hesitation, I cram my feet into a different pair of shoes; one that does not force my toes to take my weight. I start climbing the rock again. I try not to think about what happened.

Days later, Casi speaks to me about it. "It was obvious you were in pain. You never come down from a climb."  We make eye contact and hold each others gaze. Neither of us knows what to say. The silence is awkward.

And, I still dont know what to say. About any of it. The event, perhaps, still holds too much emotion, pain, heartache, sadness, loss, annoyance, resentment, outrage, anger, hopelessness, and doubt. But I also feel thankful, promise, hope, determination, clear blue skies, love, family, and happiness.

I guess, not much changed. I can still climb and I will still reach the top, eventually, with or without, those dam shoes.

Also Known As: Sleepydick

Well I figured it out! 


I figured it out when, as suggested in the previous post, they bloomed. Rather pretty, I think. 

It is known as Ornithogalum umbellatum or the star-of-bethlehem but it is also Known As: Sleepydick* (my personal favorite and the one I will use the remaining of this post) , Grass Lily, Nap-at-Noon, Eleven-o'clock Lady, Summer Snowflake, Starflower, and the Pyrenees Star of Bethlehem.

*from not waking up earlier than noon.  This same behavior probably gave rise to the names,  "Nap-at Noon" and "Eleven-o'clock lady"**.

**which gave rise to a piece of herblore. I guess, not "waking up" properly  meant this was God's clue to use this plant as a treatment for sleep disorders. It was used for all sorts of ailments from disturbing nightmares to fidgity restlessness to a loss of feeling in limbs. It is useful for none of these things. Well, unless one consumes a sufficient amount ***, which would put an end to all of these ailments.

 ***its apparently poisonous. Although, the bulbs have been used to stave off hunger during times of famine and is considered a "famine food"; I don't think its very tasty but I am curious about eating one.

Wow that was a long detour. It is described as****:

"a Six Petalled White Flower with green and white sepals. The flowers group in a 'corymbose raceme' with 3-21 white flowers (with) a green stripe. The flower starts out as monocot tendrils, that look like onion or grape hyacinths. Then a green and white striped, garlic-like bulb emerge. After a good rainshower, when the sun comes out, the flower will begin opening the outer three petals, then the inner 3 petals then the six stamen lay down parallel to the six petals. This process reverses by late afternoon." 

****Not that I really expect you to read this. 

Wait a min.... What? The flowers don't bloom unless it rains followed by sun?***** That is pretty cool!  

*****How does it do that and what is the evolutionary path for such a strange set of "bloom-in" rules?

But wait? Whats that?

Sleepydick can "cause potential threats to native vegetation" Now you know I care about that. Its "native to northern Africa" but has been sold as an ornametal and " escaped cultivation"******. I knew I saw it in a catalog once. Gosh! I love being right!*******

****** I can relate. According to my mother,  I escaped cultivation when I was about 17.

******* Don't we all? 

Check out the map, its taken over just about all of North America! 


So what should I do? 


Let it grow? It is a pretty cool flower. Should I keep it for its beauty and neat rain-followed-by-sun sensing mechanism?


Or should I get rid of it? Avoiding further infestation of the area I live in (similar to this lovely gem)..but really, does one plant in my yard really affect the surrounding hills? Although, it could eventually cause me these types of pains. 


So that is my brain on Sleepydick. And, I think, I know what I am going to do but, I am curious, what would you do? 

Look what is (almost) blooming in my yard!

Mystery plant: to be determined

( iphone photo)

This worked well in the last post* so, I thought I would try it again. 

* which by the way earned you a Serviceberry bush start (if you want one). I will be down your way (Teresa/Lisa) Saturday so give me a holla if you want a start and I will personally deliver!

So what is it? I have a few guesses; most of which place the plant in the Allium group. For instance Alluim Cernuum is found in the Wasatch Mountains but, my book says it blooms late summer and the buds look more like this. I guess my mystery plant buds could eventually look like that but, late summer is a long time for me to wait. Checking  its progress everyday for a whole summer... yea, I dont want to do that. 

Of course, it could be a non-native plant too since, I am not certain if this was planted by the previous owners or not. It's hard to tell in this new yard where the plant originated since, we are surrounded by open space. The buds, however, evoke a memory from a seed catalog I once looked through. Hmmm, either way, I am excited to see what it looks like when bloomed. Until then, the beautiful white edged buds are pretty fab* too! 

*thats right. I said "fab".

Specs:

1) The largest of the three plants in my yard is about 6-7 inches tall; if I was to measure the grass like leaves that are now laying on the ground.
2)The buds currently are less than an inch long.
3) I will post pictures after they bloom too. I think that will be most helpful for a proper ID.

To be continued...

Developing a sense of place

Sense of place: to know of a place as one's own or the "human capacity for the homing sentiment," to quote Abbey. 

Our yard has been full of surprises as spring takes hold and works her magic. Reminding me how much fun it is to learn about a new place. Like any new friendship, I look forward to all it has to tell me.

I learn that the Gambel Oak is one of the last to put on its new leaves. At first, I miss the leaves and wait daily for the change it would make to our yard but then the birds arrived and I was sad no longer. The naked branches of the Oaks gave me plenty of views as birds twitter through their leafless branches.  

New Gambel Oak buds finally start to form and break open

 I am pleasantly in shock by the number of mysterious bushes and trees in the "Gambel Oak forest" in the backyard. What I thought was a mono-culture of Gambel Oak has is full of other plant species. Some of which I find in the open spaces surrounding my neighborhood. Are they natural? Do the birds and animals use them? Are they invasive? All these questions ramble through my head like loose marbles on a playground. For, I dont want to own my yard I want to be a good steward over it. I want to blend into the environment that surrounds us; to be a part of, not in.

The photos below are of one of the first bushes in my yard to leaf and bloom.  I have no idea what it is. The bushes are interspersed through our forest, their early spring blooms and bright green leafs are a welcome sight as I watch the changes spring brings. By July the bushes, will be filled with Robins who love the red fruit/seeds that cover it. The bushes are so prolific, that our decks and rocks surrounding the yard will be marked red with its juices.

The wildlife has been exciting too. The birds are everywhere! Black-headed Grosbeaks, Yellow Warblers, Orange-crowned Warblers, Yellow-rumped Warblers, Golden-crowned Kinglets, one Green-tailed Towhee, Black chinned hummingbirds, and many Lazuli Buntings are mixed in with the regulars in my yard but we also see herds of deer wander through and the shy squirrels are fun to watch.  Of course, its no surprise that I love the birds and wildlife. Each time I look out a window, I feel the opportunity to see something exciting and new is there but this excitement is amplified when my kids feel that way too. And they do. This love of place is felt throughout, I realize as Casi runs into our room excited about what she just saw from her window.

The Lazili Bunting's are very skittish and I could not get a clear photo through a window. One day I will figure out how to utilize my spotting scope with my digital camera. 

Last night as I started thinking about bed,  Nate suggests we go for a walk in Dimple Dell. We hurriedly put on shoes and coats then head out the door. We wander along the trails that weave through the open space until we reach a small lake. With the setting sun as backdrop we watch the lake and listen; to the the red-winged black birds watery song, the swallows chatter, kids somewhere laughing, a flock of Canada geese fly overhead, a fox silently sits and watches as we walk by, a pair of accipiters fly by silhouetted by the sunset, and Tanner calling to Nate "swing me". I stuff my hands into my pockets and think "we are home".

God gives all men all earth to love,

But since man’s heart is small,

Ordains for each one spot shall prove

Belovèd over all.

—Rudyard Kipling, from “Sussex”

Stress relief

Do you ever realize something about yourself? People told you that you had this characteristic but, you were not sure they were right. Then one day, you realize they were right. That happened to me.

I was walking down the 3 flights of stairs to the parking lot. I was on my way to lunch. My co-workers were yammering on about something  (I am pretty sure I was listening but this can not be proven since I dont remember what they were talking about.) and suddenly my mind played a memory and I interpreted the memory differently then I previously had.

The Memory:
(Some may have heard this story before, if so skip to the end)

I was in art class my senior year of High school.

We were drawing office supplies. My table, shared by 5 other students, were drawing a stapler, a ruler, and a pair of scissors.

Boy: placing his hand under the stapler "Angie I dare you to staple my hand."

Me: "Very funny."

Boy: "What are you chicken?"

Me: "I'm chicken and you're stupid?"

Boy: Makes chicken noises

This went on for what felt like forever and I started to get more and more irritated as his taunting went on and on and on.

When suddenly, I could take it no more. Without any notice, I  balled my hand into a fist and pounded that stapler as hard as I could. His eyes meet mine and we registered the shock each others face. He then pulled his hand from the stapler; showing a neat staple in the back of his hand.

I, of course, got in trouble and removing the staple from his hand (after the doctor could not) became a fun thing to do in art class over the next few weeks.

But all that is besides the point.

Today I realized... now dont laugh because some of you probably already KNOW it about me.

I am one of those people that hold in their stress until they blow (and staple peoples hands).

There I said it.

Now everyone can breath a sigh of relief because, finally, I get it.

Things I overheard: Made with love

Tanner: "Mom, did you notice that I slept without my Kitty-cat blanket?"

Me: "Yes, I did!"

Tanner: "That's because I slept with my new fire pillowcase that Grandma made."

Me: "Oh?"

Tanner: "I can sleep with my Kitty-cat blanket or my fire pillow now because Grandma made them both with love. That way, when I sleep, I know I am loved because she made them with love."

Sometimes I miss those blond curls.